Oh wow- that’s really sweet of you
Thank you so much.
I don’t know, sometimes I just can’t stand myself. My reflection makes me want to rip my skin and hair off. Agh.
Thank you though. Your comment was very nice and I really appreciate it.
I excitedly tried to tell my mom I might get into UCSB.
What was her response?
“I want you to use my cream to get rid of those black things on your face.”
Hearing that after drumline really makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit. I feel like there are really such a small number of people tho actually put value into me. It’s like I’m just not good enough for most people. It’s like I could easily just disappear and only one or two people would miss me.
I’m still awake because for the past 4 or 5 hours, I’ve been researching things from forensic psychology to this Chancellor Reception invitation from UCSB.
I know what I want to do in my future job, but I just don’t know which branch of psychology (if even psychology) that fits under. Potential undergrad majors include Psychology, Sociology, or in some cases, Criminology. Well, if I get accepted into schools with a psychology major, I don’t think I would mind molding my future around that as opposed to trying to switch majors if it’s going to be a hassle. I guess only time will tell?
Also, today, I received a letter from the UCSB Office of Admissions inviting me to attend a UC Santa Barbara Reception. I’m skeptical… but still hopeful. I’ve been doing a lot of research and in the past years (2008-2013), those who went to the reception/were invited to the reception were asked to stand up and were told that they all had been admitted. A few replies to that thread, though, stated that certain locations (Chicago and Denver) also held receptions (which in a different invitation stated that the Chancellor (wouldn’t) and didn’t attend), and no one was guaranteed admission. Those two cities aren’t listed in my possible reception venues, but I’m still really skeptical. Also, if it’s true that I do get admitted, it’s not guarantee that I receive the major I applied for nor that I’m eligible to be in the honors program. The first one is in San Jose today (March 9th), and I’m just waiting to see what people who go say on the thread I’m following to see whether or not this invite means I got admitted to UCSB or not.
Tonight really just not my night.
Too much negativity wreaking havoc in my mind right now.
I don’t know, I just feel really lonely at drumline sometimes.
I feel like veryone easily finds their own cliques or partners, and I can’t say I have that. I don’t know, I try to just interject myself but I hate doing it. Some days I hate it more than feeling alone, some days it’s the other way around.
I mean I probably could easily find people to talk to, but I just get so discouraged and so nervous too easily.
I wonder if I’m the only one socially pathetic enough in drumline to think that way.
I think my final project was a cool way to end my HL Art experience because I used the dried up paint on my canvas (that I was always too lazy to clean… so the paint colors began to build on there) as the colors for her hair. I just painted the negative space white to give the woman’s hair shape. It has so many layers of paint on there from many of my projects. I don’t know, it just symbolically seems like the perfect culmination of my high school art life.
Just to reflect on something.
Growing up, I’ve learned to be hopeful and excited while still keeping my guard up.
It’s not a bad thing, I think. It just means that I don’t expect things to happen until they actually do. I don’t like to be absolute about the future because the repercussions can be terrible.
Even back then, with things like my birthday parties and stuff, I never expected them to happen until the future became the present and I didn’t have to wonder what it’d be like because it’s actually happening around me.
I think it might be a defense mechanism to stop me from being too disappointed since I don’t deal with it well. Regardless, I don’t think my skeptical nature isn’t a bad thing as long as it maintains itself and doesn’t grow. I mean, I can still be as hopeful and as excited as anyone else, I just don’t like to expect.
All is good.
My mom still asks me if I’m home every night with distrust in her voice.
Am I really that hard to trust? Come one now, this is getting ridiculous. I’ve always thought of myself as a trustworthy character… am I wrong?
I’ve spent the past hour looking at cooking videos on YouTube.
I want to cook~